EXPLOSION BURST MAN!!!

EXPLOSION BURST MAN!!!

By Matthew Wasik

CHAPTER 1

Explosion Burst Man, the world’s greatest superhero, woke up to a picturesque sunrise right out of a picture. He removed the wet newspaper from his face and looked at a sturdy wooden chair sitting next to his bed.

“Well, good morning, Steve!” said Explosion Burst Man to the chair, whose name was Steve. “Are you ready for another productive day?”

Steve, who was a chair, said nothing.

“Great!” said Explosion Burst Man, and rolled out of bed onto the floor, wrapping himself in the sheets and taking Steve with him as he did so.

“Rrrru rehree goo goh?” asked Explosion Burst Man, voice muffled by the blankets.

Steve, who was a knocked-over chair, said nothing.

Explosion Burst Man then flexed his powerful muscles and destroyed the sheets all at once, sending tatters of linen all over the room.

“Good idea, Steve!” said Explosion Burst Man cheerfully. “Let’s get going!” he dragged Steve the chair out of his room and into his finely decorated kitchen.

“I am a great decorator!” said Explosion Burst Man proudly, looking at the bare asbestos-lined walls of his unfurnished kitchen. In the corner of the room a rusty oil drum fell over and dumped gasoline into a burning pile of newspaper. The fire spread throughout the kitchen, turning half the room into an inferno.

“Oh dear.” said Explosion Burst Man to Steve. “Well, it’s a good thing my house is constructed entirely out of asbestos!”

Steve, who was a slightly singed chair, said nothing.

“I better check with the President,” said Explosion Burst Man to Steve, “he might have an important mission for me today.”

Explosion Burst Man proceeded down his hallway to a room barred by a solid steel blast door. Using both hands, he twisted the large metal wheel on the door and pushed it open. Inside a gigantic metal cage sat the The President of the United States of America, staring at Explosion Burst Man. Venom dripped from the fangs of the President and hate glowed in its eyes.

“Good morning, mister President!” said Explosion Burst Man, overflowing with pep. “Any threats to America today?”

The President hissed and tensed up, its venomous stinger twitching.
“You’re right sir,” said Explosion Burst Man seriously, “communism is the greatest threat facing America today.”

The President of the United States of America lunged at Explosion Burst Man, shrieking horrifically. It hit the bars of its cage with an almighty crash and attempted to seize Explosion Burst Man, its huge claws leaving furrows in the concrete floor.

“I’ll make sure to keep that in mind, sir.” said Explosion Burst Man seriously. “I have to go now; as you know, evil never sleeps!”

Explosion Burst Man left the room and closed the blast door behind him, the President still attempting to violently murder him.

“Alright then, Steve,” said Explosion Burst Man, “it’s time to do some community service, and teach the local Boy Scout troop gun drills!”

Explosion Burst Man kicked his front door off its hinges and strolled into the street with Steve in tow, humming a merry tune. His house continued to emit asbestos fumes as it burned to the ground.

***

It was a wonderful day out, and the sun (which had entered its red giant phase), was heating the suburban pavement to lethal temperatures. Explosion Burst Man passed a small colonial-style house with a beautifully maintained front yard. A set of garden gnomes sat on the yard, forming a pentagram. An elderly man wearing an apron was also standing in the yard, spraying the gnomes with a garden hose.

“Evening, Mr. Binty!” said Explosion Burst Man, still dragging Steve behind him. “Spraying your gnomes again, are you?”

“You bet I am, mister Explosion!” said Mr. Binty cheerfully, as steam begun erupting from the gnomes. “You have to get the right acidic mixture, or they don’t melt as fast!”

“Of course, of course.” said Explosion Burst Man, nodding sagely. “You haven’t seen any communists around, have you?”

“No, not a one, and I’ve been checking my bushes like you said.” answered Mr. Binty, as his gnomes began to melt. “I don’t think it’s mating season yet.”

“Don’t worry,” said Explosion Burst Man, “the Marxist bastards will show their dirty red heads eventually. But anyway, I can see you’re busy, so I’m off to fight evil.”

“Alrighty then mister Explosion!” said Mr. Binty, his gnomes having finally liquified, “Have a nice day!”

“You too!” said Explosion Burst Man. “And remember, better dead than red!”

***

Explosion Burst Man sauntered into the public park, whistling a funeral dirge. Enormous mutated death-beasts scuttled around the park, attacking any picnickers they came across, hungry for the bologna sandwiches inside their picnic baskets. One scuttled up to Explosion Burst Man, ichor dripping from its huge jaws.

“Sorry friend, I don’t have any bologna!” said Explosion Burst Man. “It gives me rashes, you see.” he continued, in a hushed tone.

The death-beast sniffed Explosion Burst Man hopefully, made a guttural noise of disappointment, and scuttled off.

“Isn’t nature beautiful?” said Explosion Burst Man to Steve, as the death-beast tore a distant park-goer to bloody shreds.

Steve, who was a chair amongst beautiful nature, said nothing.

Explosion Burst Man followed a path until he reached a group of picnic tables and a small crematorium. Waiting there was a group of Boy Scouts decked out in full regalia, plus their bored-looking troop leader. As soon as the Boy Scouts saw Explosion Burst Man, they started chatting excitedly with one another; the world’s greatest superhero was in sight!

“Hey kids!” said Explosion Burst Man, walking up to the troop.

“HELLO MISTER EXPLOSION BURST MAN!” said the Boy Scouts in semi-unison. One boy scout shouted hello out of sync. Nobody liked him.

“Alright,” said Explosion Burst Man, “today we’re going to learn about something very serious-- how to shoot and kill a man from fifty paces.” the Boy Scouts settled down and paid attention.

“Do you have the guns?” Explosion Burst Man asked the disinterested troop leader, who was playing a game on his phone. Without replying, he pointed to a large crate to the left of him. Explosion Burst Man effortlessly picked up the huge crate with one hand. The Boy Scouts were all very impressed. Explosion Burst Man walked over to the boy scouts and set the crate down in front of them with a whump.

Explosion Burst Man opened the top of the crate, and hundreds of spiders crawled out, revealing a plethora of military-grade assault weaponry.

“Alright, kids,” said Explosion Burst Man, motioning to the crate and moving aside, “everybody grab a rifle and some ammo. No shoving, and don’t get greedy!”

As the Boy Scouts all retrieved guns from the crate, Explosion Burst Man took a rifle and set it down on Steve. “Here you go, Steve,” he said kindly, “you can have one too.”

Steve, who was a heavily-armed chair, said nothing.

Explosion Burst Man walked the Boy Scouts through gun drills, and the group did some target practice on the death-beasts that scuttled through the trees. Explosion Burst Man told Steve to watch out for Communists as they did so.

***

Soon, the enormous red sun was setting, casting long shadows over the park, and everybody was tired but pleased. Everybody except the bored troop leader, who had died of consumption.

“Alright kids,” said Explosion Burst Man, “I’m very proud of all of you. We’ve been at this for long enough, so I think--”

Explosion Burst Man was rudely interrupted as something fell from the sky and hit the ground nearby with a BOOM! The shockwave sent the Boy Scouts tumbling and tipped Steve over, but Explosion Burst Man stood fast.

The dust and debris from the impact cleared, revealing the object to be a rocket with a door set into it. The door hissed open, and a man emerged. He stood a good six and a half feet tall and was wearing a white labcoat and black gloves. Wires and contraptions covered his body, and his gloves were spiked at the end. Perhaps his most distinguishing feature was the metal mask that covered his face, revealing nothing but a pair of cruel eyes. All-in-all he was the spitting image of a supervillain.

“Doctor Mask!” exclaimed Explosion Burst Man, “What dastardly plot have you come to act out this time?”

“Mmmmmmpgh!” said Doctor Mask, gesticulating.

“I knew as soon I saw that rocket that you had to be up to something!” said Explosion Burst Man dramatically, shaking his fist.

“Mmmph! Mmmmpgh mmph!” said Doctor Mask, raising his arms in the air with hands curled into claws in a sort of “I have unlimited power” sort of gesture.

“But trust me, justice shall-- look, can you take the mask off?” asked Explosion Burst Man in an exasperated tone of voice, “I can’t understand you.”

Behind Explosion Burst Man, the Boy Scout troop were picking themselves up off their feet.

“Mmmmpgh.” said Doctor Mask, waving his hands in a defeated gesture. He reached up and pulled off the mask, revealing an average-looking man in perhaps his early forties sporting a short black beard.

“You know I have trouble being dramatic without the mask, right?” said Doctor Mask.

“Yes,” said Explosion Burst Man, “but I can’t understand you when it’s on.”

“But it’s part of the image!” complained Doctor Mask. “I can’t be Doctor Mask without a mask! I might as well just be Medical License No-mask!”

“Just make a hole for your mouth!” exclaimed Explosion Burst Man, who was quite tired of the antics of Doctor Mask.

“I can’t do that, it makes the mask look far less evil!” replied Medical License No-Mask indignantly.

Explosion Burst Man pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. A Boy Scout tapped him on the back.

“Um… mister Explosion?” said the Boy Scout timidly.

“Yes, little Timmy?” said Explosion Burst Man, turning to the Boy Scout.

“Can we just shoot him? You just taught us how to use the guns, right?”

Explosion Burst Man stroked his chin thoughtfully, looking back at the de-masked Doctor Mask. “Hmm,” he said, “that would be good practice, wouldn’t it?”

Behind him, Doctor Mask scoffed. “Bullets?” he said scornfully, “I’m impervious to bullets!”

“Actually yes,” said Explosion Burst Man, turning to point at Doctor Mask. “That’s a great idea, Timmy! Boy Scouts, in the name of America, open fire on Doctor Mask!”

The Boy Scouts unleashed a devastating volley of fire centered on Doctor Mask. The bullets tore into him, turning his torso into a bloody, fragmented mess and spattering the rocket behind him with blood. Steve held his fire because he is merciful.

“Augh!” said Doctor Mask in the midst of the gunfire, “it appears I am not impervious to bullets!”

The Boy Scouts stopped firing, and what was left of Doctor Mask fell to the ground with a splat. His corpse began to bubble and ooze, transmogrifying into a gelatinous cube. The cube slunk away dejectedly.

“He always does that.” said Explosion Burst Man disapprovingly. “So rude.” Explosion Man turned back to the boy scouts, an expression of pride on his face. “Kids, you’ve done me proud today. America is blessed to have such guardians of freedom protecting her soil, warriors ready to lay down their lives in the name of our mighty nation. From this day forward, you are no longer children, no longer Boy Scouts struggling to climb through the ranks of your troop… today, you are men.”

The Boy scouts were elated, an expression of awestruck wonder on their tiny faces. The Explosion Burst Man was bestowing his encouragement upon them! They began whispering excitedly amongst each other.

Explosion Burst Man nodded, his expression turning serious. “But the battle is not over yet, my young soldiers. For another enemy awaits, one far more subtle... and sinister.”

The Boy Scouts fell silent, staring at Explosion Burst Man in rapt attention.

“An enemy stealthy as a shadow, and as deadly as any bullet. They could be hiding anywhere, at any time… Communists. Yes, my friends, I speak of the filthy Communists, and their single-minded zealousness in spreading the foul teachings of their putrid Marxist philosophy. They could be in the skies! In your refrigerator! In your ear canals!”

The Boy Scouts looked suitably horrified.

“But don’t despair, my brave American soldiers!” continued Explosion Burst Man, his tone supremely confident and encouraging. “In their hearts, each Communist is a spineless coward! They may scuttle about brazenly, filthy and subversive lies dripping from their craven mouths, but pitted against the conviction of a true American, an American who believes in the incontestable ideals which founded this country, they are routed like the French at the battle of Waterloo! So as long as you hold the values of our Founding Fathers in your hearts, you will always prevail!”

The Boy Scouts looked invigorated, confidence suffusing their faces.

“Now, my brave soldiers of America!” said Explosion Burst Man in a commanding and powerful tone of voice. “Go forth, and destroy each and every Communist you come across! Bury them in fiery lead from American guns imported from China! Push your thumbs into their eyes and listen to their feeble screams! Cut them open and feed them their own entrails! Crush their oily carapaces beneath your boots, until nothing but soup remains! CRUSH THEM! KILL THEM! I MUST GO TO THE MOON FOR REASONS I CANNOT FULLY EXPLAIN!”

And as the Boy Scouts cheered and randomly fired their weapons into the air, Explosion Burst Man took to the skies, breaking the sound barrier with a thunderous crack. He hit escape velocity in a manner of seconds, and kept accelerating. He shot through the highest cloud layer and in just a few more moments he was in space, speeding directly towards the moon.

***

Within a few minutes, the moon was in sight. Explosion Burst Man decreased his velocity sharply, performed several impressive flips in the lack of air, and landed neatly on the surface of the moon. A nearby olympic judge held up a scorecard with a 10 inscribed on it, dying immediately afterward due to being in space without a spacesuit.

“I will mourn your passing, Moon Judge.” said Explosion Burst Man solemnly. Straight ahead of him a fast-moving object fell from the skies and impacted with a nearby slope, sending rock and moon dust everywhere. It tumbled down the slope towards Explosion Burst Man and came to a stop next to him, bringing a huge cloud of moon dust with it. The dust cleared eventually, revealing a wooden chair.

“Steve!” exclaimed Explosion Burst Man, who hadn’t reacted or moved in response to the mysterious object tumbling towards him. “You managed to make it! I was getting a little worried!”

Steve, who was a chair covered in moon dust, said nothing.

There was another sudden explosion of dust and rock nearby, far larger than the first one. The dust clouds eventually settled, revealing a vehicle which bore a striking resemblance to Doctor Mask’s rocket.

“Oh,” said Explosion Burst Man in a unenthusiastic tone of voice. “It’s Doctor Mask’s rocket.”

Doctor Mask strode out of his rocket, no longer looking like a gelatinous cube. He stumbled, trying to find purchase in a slippery patch of moon dust, then pointed his finger imperiously at Explosion Burst Man.

“Mmmmmmphg!” said Doctor Mask theatrically! “Mmppghph mmmm!”

“Oh, for the love of-- take the stupid mask off!” exclaimed Explosion Burst Man, gesticulating angrily.

Doctor Mask threw his hands up in the air in exasperation and tugged the mask off his face. “it’s not my fault if you can’t understand when I have the mask on!” he said irritably,

Explosion Burst Man huffed out an annoyed breath, and said “Look, did you want to fight or something? I need to figure out why I went to the moon.”

“You could at least try to get a little involved!” complained Doctor Mask. “Where are the taunts? The adversarial banter? The interest?”

“Being used on competent villains.” replied Explosion Burst Man. He then paused for a thoughtful moment. “It just struck me: how are you breathing and also not dying?”

“How are you breathing and not dying?” countered Doctor Mask.

“I’m a superhero.” answered Explosion Burst Man, as if the answer was obvious. “And Steve can breathe because he’s an upstanding paragon of heroism. You don’t have an excuse.”  

“Maybe I’m a downsitting paragon of villainy. Look, whatever, it doesn’t matter.” said Doctor Mask sourly. “God, now I don’t even want to fight you, you’ve taken the joy out of it. I bet you go to children’s birthday parties and mutilate their birthday cakes. While they watch.”

“I would never do that” replied Explosion Burst Man, deeply offended. “That’s horrible.”

“You might as well.” said Doctor Mask bitterly. He opened his mouth to continue berating Explosion Burst Man, paused, and asked “Do you hear something?”

Explosion Burst Man listened for a few silent moments before hearing it too: a cacophony of ghastly gargling wails, quiet at first, but growing louder as the source of the noise approached. Explosion Burst Man knew exactly what the noises meant.

“Moon Ghouls!” he said urgently. “There are Moon Ghouls coming this way! I think they saw your huge stupid rocket land.”

“My rocket is not stupid.” objected Doctor Mask. “Also, what are Moon Ghouls?”

“They’re evil and they want to kill us.” replied Explosion Burst Man matter-of-factly. “I don’t think they’re Communists, but I haven’t checked. It sounds like there’s a lot of them.”

“You could just fly away.” Doctor Mask pointed out.

“I need to find out why I suddenly needed to go to the moon.” replied Explosion Burst Man, as the wailing of the Moon Ghouls reached a fever pitch.

“And I think my rocket is broken.” said Doctor Mask, sighing and hitting a few buttons on a device on his arm. “I propose a temporary truce.”

“I accept.” said Explosion Burst Man in a grim tone, nodding for emphasis. “Steve, watch my back.”

Steve, who was watching Explosion Burst Man’s back and also was a chair, said nothing.

The wailing grew to a crescendo, and then the Moon Ghouls were upon them. They were ghastly creatures, vaguely humanoid and covered in a thick exoskeleton from which spikes protruded seemingly at random. They had thick simian-like skulls with rows of massive jagged teeth, and wet, glistening muscle showed from under a few exposed slits in their exoskeleton. A pack of maybe two-dozen launched themselves at Explosion Burst Man and Doctor Mask, their wailing shifting into guttural howling.

Explosion Burst Man readied himself, then lunged forward, meeting the charge of the closest Moon Ghoul with a superhuman punch. He connected with the Moon Ghouls head, which exploded outward in a spray of brain and bone. Explosion Burst Man jumped over the Moon Ghouls incoming corpse which had maintained the momentum from its charge and surged forward to engage the rest of the Moon Ghouls.

To his right, Doctor Mask had deployed a pair of combat drones, each of which floated at shoulder height, rapidly firing lasers which burned through the Moon Ghouls exoskeletons. Doctor Mask, for his part, had produced a death ray and was firing indiscriminately into the scrum, laughing maniacally as he disintegrated Moon Ghoul after Moon Ghoul. There was a roar behind him as a Moon Ghoul threw itself at Doctor Mask’s back, only to be met with his electric force field. The unfortunate Moon Ghoul was hurled back, body twitching and spasming.

Explosion Burst Man grabbed a Moon Ghoul by the foot and swung it into another Moon Ghoul. Both exploded in a completely unnecessary burst of blood, organs and bone.

“Okay, now you’re just showing off!” shouted Doctor Mask over the din of combat, blasting another Moon Ghoul with a laser, who shrieked and disintegrated.

“It’s not my fault if you can’t keep up!” Explosion Burst Man yelled back, ripping the head off another Moon Ghoul and using it to bash in the skull of another.

“Well, not all of us have super-strength,” shot back Doctor Mask, as his combat drones shot a Moon Ghoul to pieces, “some of us had to earn our super powers !”

Explosion Burst Man finished tearing the last remaining Moon Ghoul in two bloody halves. “You’re just jealous.” he said.

Doctor Mask rolled his eyes. “Bah. You always were mom’s favorite.”

“And you were always dad’s favorite,” shot back Explosion Burst Man, “so stop complaining. Just be glad I didn’t have to use my secret attack.”

“Your secret attack? What’s your secret attack?”

“It’s secret. I’ll use it if I have to.” said Explosion Burst Man shortly. A worrying thought occurred to him and he turned around. “Steve? Are you--”

Steve sat atop a mound of Moon Ghoul corpses, covered in blood and seemingly unharmed.
“Ah, it’s good to see that you’re alright.” said Explosion Burst Man happily.

Steve, who was a blood-soaked chair, said nothing.

“We’re not getting any younger just standing around like this,” said Doctor Mask, “I’m getting a reading on my exometric locator, let’s follow it.”

“What’s an exometric locator?” asked Explosion Burst Man, climbing up the mound of Moon Ghouls and retrieving Steve.

“I’m not one-hundred percent sure, to be honest.” admitted Doctor Mask. “I just built it one day and it started beeping and pointing to important things.”
“Hmm.” said Explosion Burst Man, walking over to Doctor Mask and looking at the locator, which resembled a wristwatch crossed with a radar screen. “What kind of important things?”

“Just… whatever’s important at the time. I was really thirsty one day at the park and it led me to a water fountain. Another time it gave me an escape route through a burning building.”

“That’s handy.” said Explosion Burst Man. “Well, no sense in waiting around. Let’s follow it!”

***

Our heroes proceeded across the moon’s surface, following the directions of the locator. After fifteen minutes or so (I’m really not sure), they stumbled across a water fountain that surrounded a statue of a dog (a corgi, to be precise). The corgi was wearing glasses.

“Ugh. We look disgusting.” said Doctor Mask, looking down at himself. “I’ve got Moon Ghoul all over me.”

“Maybe we can wash ourselves off in that fountain?” said Explosion Burst man, stroking his chin. There was a schlorp noise as some Moon Ghoul organs slid off his face.

“That’s the first good idea you’ve had all day.” said Doctor Mask irritably.

“Come on, Steve,” said Explosion Burst Man, with his usual cheer, “let’s get clean!”

The trio washed themselves off in the fountain. They made idle conversation with the dog statue as they did so, who had ascended to a higher plane of being. Ecoterrorism was a focus of the conversation, along with water sports and the finer points of pastry preparation.

“That was refreshing!” exclaimed Explosion Burst Man, “I feel very refreshed. How about you, Steve?”

Steve, who was a refreshed chair, said nothing.

Doctor Mask wiped water from his eyes and stepped out of the fountain. “Alright, now that I don’t look like something out of a slaughterhouse, let’s keep moving.”

***

Our heroes strode across the surface of the moon, following the directions of Doctor Mask’s exometric locator. On their way they nodded a curt hello to a passing bengal tiger. After a few minutes of walking, during which a marching band playing “Stars and Stripes Forever” marched past, they crested a hill and looked down upon a valley of craters.

“Gasp!” exclaimed Explosion Burst Man. “I now see why my superhuman justice senses have brought me to the moon!”

“...Did you seriously just say ‘gasp’?” asked Doctor Mask incredulously.

“A great battle is upon us, friends, for the enemy has made itself known!” said Explosion Burst Man, ignoring Doctor Mask.

“Oh?” said Doctor Mask dryly. “This should be good. And I’m not your friend.”

“You’re right, Doctor Mask, this will be dangerous! For the time has come for us to do battle with… MOON SATAN!”

There was a brief silence, then Doctor Mask began to laugh hysterically, bent double from mirth.

“What?” said Explosion Burst Man, glaring at him. “What’s so funny?”

“You-- you’re--- oh god---” choked out Doctor Mask between laughs. “You’re the craziest person I’ve ever met. Hahaha. Oh god.”

Explosion Burst Man folded his arms. “Nobody asked you.” he said grumpily. “Besides, Steve believes me, right Steve?”
Steve, who was a believing chair, said nothing.

Doctor Mask had retained some self-control, and sat down on the ground.
“Haha, wow.” he said, grinning and shaking his head. “Did Mom drop you as a baby or something?”

“I don’t need to hear this. Come on Steve, let’s go fight Moon Satan together! He must be in one of these craters!” Explosion Burst Man set out, dragging Steve along behind him, heading towards the nearest crater.

“Have fun storming the castle!” shouted Doctor Mask from behind him, and began to laugh again.

***

“Moon Satan!” he shouted. “Are you there!? Come out and fight a true paragon of freedom!”

There was no reply. So Explosion Burst Man moved on to the next crater. On the way he met a spherical robot.

“EXCUSE ME,” asked the robot, “HAVE YOU SEEN A BENGAL TIGER? HE OWES ME MONEY.”

“I think he went that way.” said Explosion Burst Man, pointing in the direction he had came from.

“THANK YOU SIR.” the robot went on its way, and so did Explosion Burst Man. Eventually, he reached another Satan-looking crater.

“Moon Satan!” he shouted again. “Are you in this crater? You can’t hide from justice forever!”

Silence.

“Oh come on.” complained Explosion Burst Man, and went on his way to the next crater. On the way, he found a fountain of blood, which he ignored. Eventually, he reached the third crater.
“Moon Satan!” he called. “Seriously, don’t be a jerk! Come out and fight!”

The ground began to shake, and Explosion Burst Man almost lost his footing. There was a swirl of red energy, and a choir of a thousand damned souls screaming at once rose in volume until it was painful to listen to. There was a bright flash of light, and in an instant, Moon Satan was there.

“Hey.” he said, casually.

Moon Satan looked much like traditional depictions of Satan-- a monstrous beast-man with horns and cloven hooves, standing 20 ft. tall at his shoulder. That much was expected. What was not expected was him being clad in biker leather with a peace symbol emblazoned on the shoulder. He was also wearing sunglasses.

“Um… I feel like I’m caught off guard.” said Explosion Burst Man carefully. “You look different than I was expecting.”

“Yeah?” he said. “Bet you were expecting normal old Satan, right?”

“Well… yes. Yes, I was.”

Moon Satan laughed. It was a nice laugh, rich and deep. “Nah, son, regular old Satan’s a nasty character. We’re a lot more chill here on the moon.”

“Why the whole ‘screaming chorus of damned souls thing’, then?” asked Explosion Burst Man.

Moon Satan shrugged. “People hear ‘Satan’ and they expect a certain thing. I gotta put up a bit of a front, at least. You know how it is. Who’s your friend?”

“This is Steve.” explained Explosion Burst Man, nodding at Steve the Chair. “He’s my superhero sidekick, and a paragon of heroism.”

“Gotcha, gotcha.” said Moon Satan nodding. “Well, the two of you are welcome to stay as long as you want.”

“Oh, well thank you.” said Explosion Burst Man. “Well I feel a little silly, to be honest. I trekked out here to fight you for nothing.”

“Sorry son, not much I can do bout’ that.” as he spoke, Moon Satan shrugged, and a tattoo became visible on his wrist.

“...What is that tattooed on your wrist?” asked Explosion Burst Man slowly.

“What? Oh, this?” Moon Satan displayed the red tattoo on his wrist. “It’s the hammer and sickle son. Power to the people.”

“You’re a... communist?” said Explosion Burst Man, deadly quiet. The fingers on his right hand drummed a very slow rhythm, and his left hand clenched and unclenched.

“Yeah son. You got a problem with that?”

“You...you...YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!” screamed Explosion Burst Man, frothing at the mouth. “DIRTY RED PINKO SCUM! I’LL KILL YOU! I’ll PLUCK YOUR EYEBALLS AND RIP OUT YOUR HEART!! TEAR OUT YOUR SPINE AND IMPALE YOU WITH IT!!!”

“Son--”

“NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Explosion Burst Man launched himself at Moon Satan, flying into the air, clenched fist extended to deliver a punch. Before he could make contact, Moon Satan swatted him out of the way. Explosion Burst Man was knocked to the lunar surface and bounced and rolled away some distance, as the momentum from the swat carried him. He managed to turn the movement into a backward roll that brought him into an upright crouch, one hand planted on the ground.

“Son, can’t we--” began Moon Satan.

“KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLL YYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Explosion Burst Man wildly.

He launched himself at Moon Satan once again in a similar fashion. And once again, Moon Satan swatted him, this time against the wall of the crater, where he made an Explosion Burst Man-shaped hole in the lunar rock. He blinked a few times, and regained his senses to see Moon Satan with his massive arm reared back, about to throw a punch.

“Well if you wanna throw down, son,” he roared, “THEN LET’S THROW DOWN!”

Moon Satan drove his fist into Explosion Burst Man, sending up a burst of lunar dust and rock, and driving him further into the crater wall. He pulled his arm back again, but not before Explosion Burst Man emerged from the hole at top speed and delivered a mighty blow to Moon Satan’s jaw. There was a thunderous crack! of impact and Moon Satan staggered back. Explosion Burst Man withdrew in preparation for delivering another blow, but before he could, Moon Satan grabbed him in one mighty fist, smashed him against the ground several times, and flung him away. Explosion Burst Man smashed through the rim of another crater and fell down to the bottom of it.

“Had enough yet, son?” called Moon Satan, cracking his knuckles.

Explosion Burst Man rose into the air slowly, above the crater rim. He had his fists raised at his sides, and his face was a portrait of berserk fury.

“There is NO WAY” he shouted, “that a PARAGON OF AMERICAN IDEALS such as MYSELF could LOSE TO SOME GOAT-HEADED COMMIE FALLEN ANGEL!” and with that, he launched himself at Moon Satan again, fist outstretched to deliver a punch.

Moon Satan reared back and lobbed a straight-armed punch at Explosion Burst Man. The two fists collided, and the resulting shockwave rippled out around them and sent a wave of rocks and moon dust flying away. Moon Satan surprised Explosion Burst Man by suddenly opening his fist and grabbing Explosion Burst Man inside it. Moon Satan then wound up and threw Explosion Burst Man straight up.

Explosion Burst Man tumbled through the air until eventually managing to stabilize several hundred feet into the air. He scanned the ground underneath him, looking for Moon Satan, but couldn’t find him.

“Where did that commie scum go?” he said to himself.

Then, a shadow rose up behind him. He turned around to see Moon Satan, with both his fists intertwined and raised in the air above his head, a triumphant expression on his face.

“Oh.” said Explosion Burst Man.

Then Moon Satan spiked him down to the ground like a volleyball.

Explosion Burst Man hit the lunar surface at colossal speeds, smashing into the ground like a meteorite. Rock buckled and shattered underneath him, and debris was flung everywhere. The impact kicked up a giant dust cloud which covered up the impact zone. When the dust cleared, it revealed a bruised and battered Explosion Burst Man, costume torn.

Moon Satan alighted next to him, looking smug. “What’s wrong, son? All the fight’s gone outta you.” he said.

Explosion Burst Man coughed up blood. Several parts of his body weren’t moving when he told him to, and he was fairly sure that he had be slightly impaled on a shard of moon rock.

“Hlllllgck.” he said, or tried to say.

Moon Satan shook his head. “It’s a shame we had this little clash of ideals, you seemed a nice enough sort. ‘Till you went all psycho, that is.”

Explosion Burst Man twitched. He was trying to avoid using it, but if there was ever a time to use to use it, it was now: It was time for Explosion Burst Man’s secret attack.

“I…” he began, forcing speech out through an impaled lung. “I’ve learned… one thing in my… days of superheroing…”

“And what would that be, son?” said Moon Satan, sounding amused.

Explosion Burst Man closed his eyes and summoned his power, the power of the atomic blast that had granted him his superpowers. He reopened his eyes and screamed:

“COMMUNISM! IS!! DOOMED!!! TO!!!! FAIL!!!!!”

Then he exploded. A miniature mushroom cloud blossomed on the surface of the moon, disintegrating Explosion Burst Man and Moon Satan. The shockwave surged outward, launching dust and rocks airborne. It was total devastation. For Explosion Burst man, everything went black...

***

Elsewhere, there was a flash of blinding light, and Doctor Mask was suddenly launched into the air by a shockwave. He tumbled down a hill, eventually coming to a bruised stop.

“Why are there nuclear bombs on the moon?” he demanded to thin air, confused and annoyed. He had been in the middle of trying to fix his rocket, and he did not appreciate the interruption.

He climbed back up the ridge and looked towards the source of the explosion. It dawned on him that his idiot brother was that way, trying to find Moon Satan. Then, he remembered what said brother had mentioned a “secret attack” and the fact that he called himself Explosion Burst Man, and put two and two together.

“There’s no way.” he said, incredulously.

He hurriedly finished repairing his rocket, and flew over to the source of the explosion to investigate.

***

Explosion Burst Man woke to the sound of rocket engines. He looked down at himself. His body was reconstructing itself, slowly but steadily. Beads of golden energy were assembling themselves, settling into place as missing bone and tissue.

“Ow.” he said, and sluggishly turned his head towards the source of the noise. Doctor Masks’ big stupid rocket was landing, creating a roiling cloud of smoke. It touched down, and Doctor Mask walked out.

“Holy--was that you?” he said, looking around.

“Y-yes.” said Explosion Burst Man weakly. “It’s… it’s my secret attack.”

“Exploding like an atom bomb?” said Doctor Mask, incredulously.

“Yep.”

“Wow. No wonder you don’t use that on Earth. That was a really small nuclear explosion, but still…” he shook his head. “Well, good job, I guess. You blew up… whatever was here.”

“Moon Satan.” said Explosion Burst Man, closing his eyes. He reopened his eyes suddenly, and with an urgent tone, said: “where’s Steve? Is Steve ok?”

“Huh? Oh. I think I saw him, hang on.” Doctor Mask walked a short distance away and returned with Steve in tow. “See, he’s fine. Somehow.”

“Thank God.” said Explosion Burst Man, closing his eyes again.

“...Um, so, are you going to be alright?” asked Doctor Mask. “Not that I care.”

“I’ll be fine, I just need a few minutes. I did just explode.”

“That is true.” Doctor Mask agreed. “Well, if you don’t need me, I’m going to get off this stupid moon. You can fly after all, you don’t need my help to get back to Earth.”

“Alright then. Take care, Nathan. Say hi to Mom for me.”

Doctor Mask looked at Explosion Burst Man with an odd expression on his face, like he couldn’t decide what emotion to feel.

“You too, Will.” he said eventually. “Say hi to Dad.”

“Will do.”

The big stupid rocket took off with a roar of its engines, leaving Explosion Burst Man and Steve alone on the Moon.

“Well, Steve,” said Explosion Burst Man, “I think it’s been a good day. We did our part to protect the glorious ideals of the American way. We killed some Moon Ghouls, we killed Moon Satan, we… it seems like all we did is kill things, actually. That’s fine though. It was all in the name of Freedom.”

Steve, who was a chair, said nothing.

CHAPTER 2

This is the end. Goodbye.