A Cake To Die For

A Cake To Die For

By Matthew “Snooglebum” Wasik

“Hey Genene, I got your message, calling you back. So I know you and Nate have been having problems, so here’s what I suggest: get a kitchen knife, the sharpest one you have. Sharpen that sucker up even more, so it cuts through stuff real good. Ok, so you’ve got your weapon, check. So next you need to catch Nate when he’s off-guard or vulnerable. Best time would be when he’s asleep, if you can manage that, like after you two have had sex or something. If not, settle for when he’s watching a movie.

Alright, so you’ve got him with his pants down-- literally, I guess, depending on when you want to go through with it-- so all that’s left is the stabbing. A straight throat-cut won’t do, cause he’ll still be able to scream. So instead you want to stab through both his carotid arteries-- you can look up a diagram online or something--, then punch forward and down with the blade, cutting his vocal cords. You have to do this fast, for obvious reasons. Ah crap, I have to go to work soon, so I’ll follow up with you on corpse-disposal and alternate methods. Love ya, bye.”

Layla prepared to go to work. As she was driving to her place of employment, a call from Genene appeared on her phone screen, which she accepted.

“Oh! Hi Genene, how are you? Did you hear--”

“Layla, I asked for your recipe for gluten-free cake, not advice on how to kill my boyfriend.”

Flowing Blade

Flowing Blade

By Matthew “Snooglebum” Wasik

The redblooms fell early that year.

The lights of the big city behind her, Salidae strode forward, down a boulevard she didn’t know the name of. Red petals gently drifted down, a few landing on the clean white silk she wore. She didn’t bother to brush them off. A sword hung at her side, stowed in an ornate leather sheath engraved with the language of her homeland. The sheath was decorated with green vines and flowers.

It’s beautiful in Suwen this time of year. said the sword, its girlish voice echoing in Salidae’s head.

Yeah. Salidae thought back, looking around at redbloom petals as gusts of wind swept them through the air. Hey Ellie, remember the Chyras trees at home? How we always used to climb them?

Haha, yeah. laughed Ellie, giggling. You always pushed me off the branches.

Yep. I was a little prick back then. replied Salidae. Still am, really.

Yeah, but you’re my little prick, Sal. said Ellie fondly.

Salidae smiled slightly.

Thanks, El.

Ellie was an Oruja, the spirit of a dead person that had solidified into a sentient weapon. Ellie was Salidae’s companion, and more than companion.

EXPLOSION BURST MAN!!!

EXPLOSION BURST MAN!!!

By Matthew Wasik

CHAPTER 1

Explosion Burst Man, the world’s greatest superhero, woke up to a picturesque sunrise right out of a picture. He removed the wet newspaper from his face and looked at a sturdy wooden chair sitting next to his bed.

“Well, good morning, Steve!” said Explosion Burst Man to the chair, whose name was Steve. “Are you ready for another productive day?”

Steve, who was a chair, said nothing.

“Great!” said Explosion Burst Man, and rolled out of bed onto the floor, wrapping himself in the sheets and taking Steve with him as he did so.

“Rrrru rehree goo goh?” asked Explosion Burst Man, voice muffled by the blankets.

Steve, who was a knocked-over chair, said nothing.

Found Wanting

Found Wanting

by Matthew Wasik

The caravan rattled and groaned, venting steam as it’s engines propelled it forward. Using the guardrails, Ujarak carefully ascended from the lower deck. The caravan went over a sudden bump, causing the lightly-built Torchlander to almost drop his rifle.

His friend and platoon-mate, Gunther, awaited his arrival up top. Easily more than six feet tall, most of it muscle, the Üraganheimen looked more like a bouncer than a trained Torchlandic soldier.

“Vell?” he asked, “vot did zey say?”

“Two more days till we reach Kamenta.” Ujarak said morosely. “Two days too many, if you ask me.” The top of the caravan had several soldiers on it, spread between the roofs of it’s two cars. Ujarak walked to the edge of caravan roof to stand beside Günther, resting his hands on the guardrail.